Me, Myself and I

“Remember Who You Wanted to Be” I saw this bumper sticker on the way to work one morning, and it of course got me thinking about what it meant to me.

I have always been a fearful person; afraid to stick out, of not being noticed, doing something wrong, making friends, or not making friends, of trying, or being judged when not trying…of not being who people expected me to be, of being hurt, or not being important enough, of being disappointed, or of being a disappointment to those I care about – afraid of living.

I have always held the same kinds of interests. They ebb and flow as time passes, but have inherently stayed the same or evolved into something more definable…and recognizable to me. I know the things that have always been an interest to me, and that makes me feel somewhat defined, at least to myself. I don’t think that some of these things will ever change. I have always been interested in certain things from the time I can remember, even if I didn't initially recognize them. Some things I speak about constantly, some things to those I care about, and yet some I keep to myself. But yet with all of these insights into myself, I found I had turned into someone that I didn’t want to become, and don’t want to be. I would constantly question myself and make bad decisions, but with the greatest intentions and the largest of hearts.

I started to wonder why I had lost that sense of who I wanted to be. Instead of going back in time, I ask myself, who is it I want to be now? I want to be safe, both physically and emotionally. I want to be mentally and emotionally prepared and confident; appreciated. I want my family to be safe and happy and feel like our home is a comfortable place to be, a shelter from the storm. I want to feel important. I just want to get in control of my life. Be able to show my kids confidence and stability. Let them see that I am a person of worth, and they are too, no matter what they do or decide or believe. I want to have been able to instill in them the desire to do what they want in life, and to make no excuses of who they are. To be happy with themselves, and treat themselves with respect.

In trying to please everyone, I ended up pleasing no one, including myself. I became a person of chaos with no control… and I have no one to blame...(everyone together now) but myself.

There are at least two kinds of cowards. One kind always lives with himself, afraid to face the world. The other kind lives with the world, afraid to face himself.

~Roscoe Snowden

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

~Agnes Repplier